Game for a lynch


Move over Jeremy Kyle, there’s a new sadist on the block, and he’s far nastier than you. Grand Inquisitor of ‘satirical’ television, Javier Cardenas is here to administer vigilante justice to vile, filthy dirty sinners in the name of a vindictive belly-laugh. That’s right, the flotsam and jetsam of daytime television, the famous-for-being-famous, those lowly scum who come from nothing and dare to have ended up with more in life than you do. Riches beyond your wildest dreams, just for being in the right place at the right time, for having a big mouth, or a gay son, or big breasts. They’re ready for a roasting! Who’s going to get roasted today, then? The Frikis you say? Yeah, I hate them, those Frikis, burn the lot of them, chuck ’em into the fiery pit of Hell, because they deserve it, the talentless upstarts. Kill the Frikis!

“FREAK: All that is extravagant, eccentric and with a set of values different from those which are socially established and therefore are considered marginalised. “. (Dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy)

“FRIKI: adj. Adaptation of the Anglo-Saxon term freak. Better known as the Spanish nut-job or Iberian Freaky. Has a long tradition in Spanish imagery. In former times they used to tie them in the village stocks, and these days they roll out the red carpet, they dedicate street names to them and build equestrian statues. They
re everywhere on television and they’re always waiting in the shadows ready for their chance to pounce.’ (From the FBI website).

Would you like to see some Frikis being lynched? All you need to do is look for links on Youtube to clips from Cardenas’ film ‘FBI’ Frikis Buscan Incordiar (Freaks Seeking Wind Ups) You will have to have a strong stomach. I am a fan of Horror films, but that’s because I know they’re not real. Watching this is truly horrific, because you know the tears and the laughter are genuine.

In the film, which took an impressive €917,643,64 in 2004, proving that there is always a baying public for the Inquisition, Cardenas belittles and righteously ‘punishes’ various characters who need pulling down a peg pr two for the unforgivable sin of being tv trash. The clips are disturbing, not least because of the gusto with which the presenters intimidate their victims, Cardenas in particular.

cardenasBut who is this new Torquemada of daytime tv? More vindictive than Jeremy Beadle, More self-important than Jerry Springer and more brutal than Robert Mugabe. What do we know about him? Go to the FBI webpage and you can check out his credentials:

´Surname: Cardenas, Name: Javier, Age: 30, (apparently- I would say he’s younger), Profession: Bon Viveur, Sex: he says infreuqnetly (uncofirmed sources), Civil State: Badalona, characteristic features: insincere smile, gymn-body, Observations: has a dangerous streak.In case of emergency wear the same face-mask as per Hannibal Lecter.’

In the tag photo he is shown wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask. Original.

I did the flimsiest of research. According to Wikipedia: ‘Cardenas employs a caustic and ironic tone with his interviewees….contributing to his early rise to fame but now this irony has tipped over into excruciatingly leaden practical jokes…. from a simple interviewer to the provoker of situations which invade the victim’s sense of honour and go so far as to belittle some mental illnesses and disabilities for the supposed amusement of his public and his own personal financial gain.

Cardenas, during his time at Telecinco (TV5, once known as Teletetas’ – ‘tiittytv’ for it’s lowbrow programming) honed his interviewing technique with the use of grotesque side-kicks who have since made a name for themselves. People like Carmen de Mairena, a transvestite well past her sell-by date, El Pozi, a toothless village idiot with one catchphrase, and la Pantoja de Puerto Rico, another transvestite who specialises in mimicking Isabel Pantoja, who is difficult to distinguish from a transvestite herself. Let’s all laugh at the freaks as long as the freaks get some cash crumbs as well.

Luckily, someone has already had an inkling that all is not well with Cardenas’ cruel humour. In 2005 he was taken to court and sentenced for offending the legitimate honour of a disabled interviewee. Something tells me he’s not really that bothered about the sentence. He has over 100 other cases awaiting trial.

But you will have to watch some clips from his film to make up your own mind. You dont really need to speak Spanish or understand the dialogue. The images are enough. The set-up is self-explanatory: First appeal to minor celebrity’s greed/lust/pride – ‘do you agree to our conditions? We want to send you on a cruise/give you a gift/take you somewhere special./film a porno scene with you.. sign here….’ Once the contract is signed, the poor sop is restrained physically under the guise of some trickery, then as realisation of his plight dawns, he/she taunted with a litany of ‘sins’, and despite pleading, retrbution is administered, up to and well beyond the point of bad taste or compassion. hellbosch

The scene where Carmen de Mairena enters the bedroom and seduces Arlekin while he recites poetry is, frankly, disturbing. She is willfully grotesque, the camera zooming in on the inside-out gusset of her tights as she straddles him. Their lingering kiss, as she sucks his lips with her inflated silicone mouth leaves you feeling queasy. Arlekin strokes her back and pats her tightly-stockinged buttock, which he thinks belongs to some young tart paid to seduce him. Cardenas leans over them by the side of the bed, offering devilishly suave, and somehow distinctly latino encouragement. Something creepy and unpleasantly soft and shaky in his tone of voice, what I would refer to as a ‘wanking voice’, as he insinuates

‘that’s right, have a good old kiss, oh yeah… go on, and now with tongues and everything…. that’s it, get that tongue in there… there you go…’

More disturbing is the depilation of the hairdresser Juan Miguel– oh, such sweet irony! I´m still not sure what his sin is apart from being a celebrity hairdresser and possibly having a Zapata moustache and unruly body hair. If you had any doubts before, these are scenes of bondage and torture. I felt distinctly uncomfortable as they strapped him onto the depliation bed and began to torment him, but the scene grew much worse. Cardenas and his blankly smiling fetishistic nurse were soon holding him down and gleefully tearing strips of hot wax from him as he screamed and begged for mercy. Watch their faces. Cardenas in particular enjoys his victim’s physical pain and psychological humiliation. It is pitiful at the end of the scene when the hairdresser tries to escape, half-laughing, half crying, and literally tears himself from the bondage of the depilation table, trailing metal appendages and straps. Cardenas follows him, hopping like a demon and taunts him, daubing him all over with wax in one last jeering attack. Cardenas is like the school bully here, giddy with glee at his own sadism and power. The type of little boy who always has to win.

Please don’t get me wrong- I am not against sadism per se. It is just non-consensual sadism I am against. These victims are not submissives: they express their disagreement, objections, nerves and finally anger and even fear, and Cardenas waves their contracts in their faces and continues to torment them with invasive, violent and dangerous punishments intended to provide public amusement.

burnwitchThere was something vilely aggressive about the witch-hunt of Encarni, the mother of some Big Brother contestant who went on herself to gain a career in day-time television. She committed the unpardonable sin of being a big-mouth tart who landed her own presenter’s contract. She was strapped into a chair-like contraption and hoisted into the air on a metal platform. All you needed was the duck pond and the screaming villagers. ‘If she drowns she’s innocent, if she doesn’t, we burn her!’ At the top of the bungee platform, after taunting her about the height and the precariousness of their situation a man bent over her and like Torquemada yelled a list of her sins into her face while she cried and begged to be let down. Don’t push me off, please don’t push me off, please…’ she sobbed. Then he pushed her backwards into the abyss. Burn the witch! Kill it! Poke it with a stick!

La Bruja Lola (Literally Lola the Witch in case you were in any doubt what to hate her for). A pathetic and frazzled-looking old medium, apparently a charlatan, verbally provoked and mocked during a televised sceance and then threatened with live serpents. Another medium, Paco Porra, tricked into being restrained in a harness and hauled out to sea on the end of a rope despite the crew forgetting to fit his neck-brace and shouting, as his flailing body disappears underwater he’s drowning- oh shit, I forgot the collar-‘

And finally the torture of Hosmar, also known as ‘Rambo’s poofter son’. Watching this made me wince, as it most closely reminded me of depictions of demons tormenting people in Hell with fiery pitchforks. This poor victim was strapped into a wooden stocks, then electrodes attached to his bare behind, and was made to recite various humiliating pleas for clemency while stronger and stronger voltage was applied to his buttocks until he wept and sobbed for it to stop. The camera zooms in closely on his jiggling buttocks and weeping face. The Inquisitor’s nonchalance as he administers more and more voltage is deeply upsetting. Genuine suffering and degradation – real tears – that’s it, make the gayboy cry– hurt his arse- now that’s what I call television!

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